Of Seducing Moony and Murdering Lily
by Bottled Chaos
Summary: Sirius fancies Remus and goes to Lily for help. She gives him some tips and hints to gain his wolf. Chaos ensues. FUNNY, FLUFFY SLASH. MWPP era.
1. Introductions are in order

**Hello!**

**This story shall be fluffy and warm and funny. NO ANGST WHAT SO EVER!**

**So enjoy!**

**mDisclaimer- Last time I checked, I wasn't J.K Rowling. Soooo...**

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_Murdering Lily Evans and Loving Remus Lupin_

Lily Evans was a dead woman walking. Once I get a hold of her, she is going to be begging for mercy. I'm going to skin her alive and hang said skin from my ceiling fan and as it spins around, showering blood everywhere, I shall dance in the spray. DANCE I TELL YOU! Muahahaha- Ahem...Yes. But I'm getting ahead of myself here slightly. I do believe introductions are in order! I, my dear reader, am the one and only; Sirius Orion Black. Please women, hold your applauds until the end. I am a 17-year-old Animagus who juuuuust so happens to be in love.

With one of my best friends.

Who is male.

And terrifically straight.

Can you see the _brilliance _here? No, me either.

The thing is, I always knew I wasn't attracted to women. They terrify me! I mean, look at them! They're so squeaky and giggly. It's weird. Take the lovely miss Molly (cough SoontobeWeasley cough) Prewett. She is a fantastic woman! Very pretty, very smart and very caring. Or so I thought. I said to her one day (very innocently I may add!)

"Molly, have you lost weight?"

Now. Most women would take that as a compliment surely? It's not like I said;

"Oh, Molly, your arse seems to have gone from a size 34 to a size 30! Well done, tubbers. We'll have you at the legal morbid obese weight in no time!"

No. I did not say that because that is rude and I happen to value my life and my ability to procreate. Even if I am gay, it's good to know there's an option there. Anyway. Once I said this she went _mental. _She started screaming at me, and I mean hair-on-the-back-of-your-neck-stand-up screaming, and trying to slap me! What the hell?! All I did was compliment her! She's spewing all this shit about "Why, did you think I was fat before?!" Which I did, but I held my tongue.

But then, my knight in black skinny jeans and converse shoes showed up and saved my arse.

Remus John Lupin.

ngggggggggh...Ahem. Sorry. Even his name makes me all jelly-ish. He came down the stairs that lead to our dorms, his brown hair flopping into his golden eyes.

"Why Molly! You look positively beautiful this evening! Have you done something different to your hair?" He gushed at her, taking her hand in his and kissing it lightly.

She stopped her shreeking attack and went as red as her hair, batting her eyelashes and giggling (ugh.) at him.

"Oh, Remus! As a matter of fact I have! I got some blonde highlights put in, to make my eyes look more blue." She said, purposely widening her eyes so Remus would have no choice but to look right into them. He gave a little chuckle and winked at her, causing her to giggle again.

"They look as blue as the sea, Molly." He answered. Molly, apparently forgetting that I even existed (not that I blame her, she had Remus talking to her, the lucky devil) gave Remus a small kiss on the cheek and skipped back up to the girls dorms. Remus turned to me, gave a small wink -OhmymerlinIthinkIjustcame- and walked right past me, out of the common room.

Oh god he is gorgeous...

Focus, brain!

Anyway, where were we? Oh yes! The death of miss Lily Evans. I know Prongs would kill me if I lay a finger on her, but hey ho. I'll just do him in as well! Perfect!

But anyway, Lily Evans must die because she has decided to "Help" me get Remus to love me back. This plan of hers comes in 5 easy (read: chaotic and insane) steps;

1) Compliment him.

2) Flirt with him, and if he flirts back, SUCCESS!

3) Get his attention.

4) Touch him. (Get your minds out of the gutter!) I-n-n-o-c-e-n-t touches.

5) Tell him how you feel and pray to baby Merlin that he feels the same way back.

She is insane. I don't know what Prongs see's in her sometimes.

~3 hours later~

Now _this_ I could get used to! James, Lily, Peter, Remus and yours truly are all sitting in the common room, sipping firewhiskey and laughing about everything and anything. James is sitting in the single arm-chair with Lily sitting on the floor, leaning against his legs, Peter is sitting with his back to the fire, causing almost no light to get to the rest of the room, I'm lying across the couch with my head in Remus's lap, my nose pressed into the soft material of his David Bowie t-shirt (That moi bought him for his birthday) while he runs the hand he isn't using to hold his glass through my hair. I feel like a kitten and I fucking love it.

"Chris, Padfoot. I know you're gay but that's no reason to practically sniff Moony's dick!" Peter laughed. Despite myself, I blushed.

"Aww, Pete, don't be jealous, I'm sure once he's done over here he'll give you a go." James grinned over at him, causing Wormtail to gag on his drink.

"Pttf. As if. Sorry, Pete. I don't like to share." Moony said and then held a pillow up behind my head, so the rest of them could see was my body from the shoulders down, and started making over exaggerated sexual noises as if I was giving him some...er...pleasures with my mouth. James and Lily burst out laughing and Peter squealed and ran out the room. Remus stopped and pulled the pillow away once Peter had left and patted me on the head.

"Good work, Padfoot!" He grinned. I grinned back but tried to angle my body so he couldn't see my...er...downstairs situation...that his moaning had caused. I was about to speak when I heard Lily say;

"So, Remus. How are things in your love life?"

Oooh, she was so dead.

R.I.P Lily Evans. Interfering bugger. Loved by none, except James, but he doesn't count.

Remus gave a little laugh and I felt my tummy do that stupid flippy thing it always does when he's around.

Grr. Stupid acrobatic innards.

"Well, Dean Matthews from Ravenclaw was attempting to flirt with me this morning and he seems quite nice, so we'll have to wait and see." He said, smiling.

He was met with silence.

"Er...did I say something wrong?"

Then we all exploded at once;

"Are you GAY?!" from James.

"You fancy_ Matthews_?!" from a very angry me.

"I knew you were gay!" from a very smug looking Lily.

Remus started laughing and sat up a bit, but keeping his hand, thankfully, in my hair.

"No, I'm not. Yes, I do. And no you didn't, as I am not gay." He said, smirking. I sat up and frowned at him.

"Wait...how can you fancy a bloke and not be gay?" I asked, awfully confused. He laughed again and rolled his eyes.

"I'm Bisexual, Pads. Means I like girls and certain guys." he explained.

REMUS LIKES GUYS!

Ahem. _Certain_ guys.

I glanced over at Lily who was smirking at me. I grinned back and suddenly felt that her plan wasn't to stupid after all.

But I was still going to kill her.

Because I just can.

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	2. Matthews is now on my hit list

In the history of Magic scene thingy when they're passing notes-

**Sirius is bold.****  
**

_James is italics_

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_ History of Magic and Destroying Matthews's face_

"Sirius." I heard Remus whisper into my ear, but I was too tired to respond. Need...Sleep...

"Sirius?" Sleeeeeep...

"SIRIUS ORION BLACK GET YOUR ARSE UP NOW!" Or not!

I shot up and found James and Remus standing beside my bed, looking down on me with wide grins, apparently proud of themselves for waking me up in such a manner. Bastards.

"Why, may I inquire, am I being rudely awoken at such an ungodly hour?" I scowled, trying to pull the covers up over my head and try to block them out, but James has his foot on them. Well, block James out. I don't mind Remus waking me up...I could get used to it. We would be living in the country together in a little cottage that had fields behind it, so Moony and Padfoot could roam free on his time of the month. I would wake up and see his perfect little face lying beside me...I sighed as my imagination took over and I forgot where I was momentarily.

"Oh god, he's gone all gooey eyed." I heard James mutter, but I was miles away imagining getting some morning action from Remus...

"Should we poke him with a stick or something?" Remus murmured, raising an eyebrow. No, Moony. But you can poke me with something else...

"Nah, let's just leave him. If he's late for History of Magic then it's his fault." James answered before walking out of the dorm door. Remus smiled and waved a hand in front of my eyes, trying to get me to snap out of it. It worked.

"Huh? History?" I asked, my brain taking a while to catch up with the situation...as usual.

"Yup, you're going to be late. So get your arse in a shower." Remus answered, pulling me up and pushing me towards the bathroom. I swung around and grabbed him around the waist, lifting him up and swinging him around.

"Sirius! What-are-you-doing?! He spluttered, trying to get me to put him down. Heh, not likely Mssr Moonshoes! I carried him into the bathroom with me and dumped him on the floor, kissing his cheek -holyfuck- and grinning at him. He scowled up at me and pushed me away so he could get up.

"Arse." He muttered, but he was grinning. I gave a smug smile and ducked into one of the cubicles.

~In History of Magic~

I'm so bored. Honestly, it should be illegal for a class to be so bloody crap. Does Binns even know that he's dead and should therefor not be teaching? I bet he doesn't the moron that he is. He's never liked me or Prongs after we hexed all the chairs in the class to sing "Ziggy Stardust" whenever he opened his mouth. That was a good day. Ouch! What the fuck? Oh. A note just hit me on the side of the head with my name written in squint writing on the side. Prongs most likely. It's not huge and bold like Peters writing and Remus has really cute, small writing that's all curvy and beautiful and-

Focus, Black. Read the note. I peek up at Binns to make sure he's not looking, though I needn't worry, he wouldn't notice if Voldemort himself walked in and started violently horn-piping on his desk. Heh...I'm so amusing. Sure enough Binns is still droning on and on about goblin rebellions and other shit no one cares about. I peel the little piece of parchment open and read.

_Stop staring at Moony, it's creepy._

I smirk and pick up my quill, writing back.

**Shut it, antler boy.**

_Cheeky bugger. So, how long's that been that you've liked *coughLovedcough* him for?_

**Counting today? that makes 2 years, 182 days, 10 hours and 13 minutes.**

_...Wow._

**I know.**

_You should just tell him mate, I don't think he'd mind._**  
**

**Nah, what if he gets all awkward around me?**

_This is Moony we're talking about. He won't._

**It's not worth the risk.**_  
_

_If you say s- Er...Sirius?_**  
**

**Yes?**_  
_

_Why is Dean's hand on Remus's thigh?_

**WHAT?!**_  
_

I shot my head up and scanned the room, looking for Remus and Matthews. There they are! They share a desk near the front of the room, next to the window. I hear myself growl a little when I notice that Matthews's hand is indeed on my Moonshoes thigh. Is he asking for a beat down?! Seriously, I could kill him. How dare he! Stupid, horrid, little Ravenclaw. Matthews's suddenly leans over and whispers something in Moony's ear. Grr! How dare he! I see Remus turn a light shade of pink -awww...- and he smiles a little. Traitor! What are they- Oh god. No! What the fuck?!

Dean's leaning in and nuzzling Remus's neck and Remus is smiling down at him like he's never seen something so awe-inspiring in his whole damn life. Which is a lie because he's seen me before, obviously, and I'm awesome.

I'm about to either throw up or scream. Or both.

I grab a piece of parchment and quickly scribble a note. I'm about to throw it to Remus when I hear James whisper in my ear from his desk behind mine.

"Show me the note before you send it."

So I pass him it and a few seconds later he's laughing. I turn around a growl at him. This is no time for laughing!

"You can't send this, Pads! Moony'll kill you." He says and passes it back. I scowl and read over it again.

**Matthews if you ever so much as breath in my Moony's direction ever again I will hunt you down, tear your scrawny little dick off and shove it up your own arse. **

Personally, I thought it was rather poetic. I sigh and start to write another.

**Do you two mind not doing that in here? There are children present!**

I pass it to James and he passes it back with a nod of approval. I smile and throw it towards their table and, totally by accident, manage to hit Dean in the eye.

Hehe...

Remus picks it up while Dean rubs his eye and scowls at the note. Good. Little bitch that he is. Remus gives a little laugh and winks at me, putting the note in his pocket. I smile back and try not to laugh when Dean tries to glare at me but fails because one of his eyes is now red. Serves him right.

"We start the 5 step plan tomorrow." I hear someone say from beside me. I turn and almost shit myself when I see Lily sitting there, grinning at me.

Aww fuck. I forgot to brutally murder her last night...

I'll try again tomorrow.

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	3. Scheming and Beautiful voices

**Just a heads up, there will be a bit of a weird thing in here...**

**I have scene where Remus is singing with his cousin for a competition that his cousin (Becky) is in (She needed his male vocals while she plays guitar). I was listening to James Arthur - Impossible and I just kept imagining Remus singing it. So yeah. There WILL be a scene of Remus singing 'Impossible'. :D**

**I don't own Harry Potter *sobs* or the song 'Impossible'**

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"Okay. First thing's first. We need to get rid of Dean." Lily said, crossing her arms over her chest and leaning back in her chair. It's one o'clock in the afternoon and we're sitting in the back of the library working on my plan to get Remus. So far, it's been...well...to put it bluntly;

Shit.

Total and utter shit.

But Lily, being the ever so insane woman that she is, insisted that we keep trying. It had been 3 weeks since Remus and Dean got together in History of Magic (Dean still had a scar on his eyelid from yours truly Hehe...) and they had been the most disgustingly loving couple ever. Remus would down at dinner and Dean would come skipping (I kid you not.) and plop himself in Moony's lap and from that point on, they would do nothing but snog and stare into each others eyes, being all cute and sweet.

It's sickening.

"And how, pray tell, are we supposed to get rid of Dean?" I ask, feeling skeptical about the whole thing. Lily grinned -That's never a good thing- and leans over to whisper in my ear;

"We could make him jealous. Remus hates jealous people."

I frown as I think this over...It does seem like it would work...Dean is very protective over Remus (it's actually rather creepy) and Remus doesn't like it one bit. He never says it, but I can tell.

"Good idea, but how exactly do we make him jealous?" I ask her.

"Well, I was thinking you could flirt with Remus when Dean's around." She says, biting the corner of her lip.

"When though? He's a Ravenclaw, so he can't come in the common room and that's really the only time we get together except for class."

Lily makes a small "hmm" noise and taps her chin. Then suddenly her eyes widen and she smiles (Not good.)

"Oh! We could all go and watch Remus and his cousin at the three broomsticks tonight!" She said, looking very pleased with her idea. I frowned. I didn't know anything about Remus and his cousin being in the three broomsticks tonight...

"Why are Remus and his cousin in the three broomsticks tonight?" I inquired. Lily blushed a little and leaned closer to me.

"I wasn't supposed to tell anyone but his cousin, Becky, is currently in a singing contest and she's in 5th place. They get a new challenge set every week and then they're scored by three judges," Lily explained quietly, "And this months challenge is to have male vocals while a female plays some kind of instrument. Becky needed the male vocals and Remus is a cracking singer so she asked him and he said yes. They're preforming at 10 o'clock tonight."

I was in complete shock. Remus could sing? Why the hell did I not know this?! I've shared a dorm with the boy for 7 years for fuck sake!

"I never even knew he could sing!" I said, sounding slightly hurt that he had never told me, Prongs or Wormtail. Lily smiled and patted my hand.

"I didn't until I caught him once on prefect duties singing to himself. He's brilliant, but he's awfully self conscious about it. The only reason he's agreed to sing tonight is because he knows that none of the students here are allowed into Hogsmede after 6 o'clock." She explained.

I grinned. I knew that people weren't allowed out, but me and the rest of the marauders knew some secret passages we could use.

"I'll go tell Wormtail and Prongs about tonight. I'll let you tell Dean. I don't really trust myself alone with the arsehole. We'll all meet at the three eyed witch statue at half 9 okay?" I asked her, suddenly feeling a lot happier.

Lily nodded and smiled.

~At the three broomsticks later that night~

"Oh god, Prongs I'm nervous..." I muttered, wringing my hands together. Me, James, Peter, Dean (ugh) and Lily were all sat around a table near the make shift stage and the long table that the three judges were all seated at.

"Why are you nervous? Surely it would be more appropriate for Remus and Becky to be nervous?" He grinned, slapping my back. I laughed.

"I suppose, but I'm nervous for him, if you know what I mean." I explained. James smiled and leaned over to me.

"I know what you mean. It's cause you love him." He winked. I rolled my eyes but smiled all the same. I was about to retort when the lights when off and a small blue spot light illuminated the small stage, Becky and Remus. Becky smiled down at the judges who gave her a polite nod. Becky had long dark brown hair and light blue eyes and a curvy figure. Becky's eyes scanned the room full of people waiting to hear them when her eyes landed on our table. We all gave her a wave and she grinned back. We all knew her from when we met her at the Lupin's house last year. James and I charmed her hair pink and she hexed our heads to swell up. Evil woman that she is...

Becky leaned over to Remus, who looked rather calm, and whispered something. Remus frowned and he looked around the room. His eyes finally landed on us and we all laughed as his face drained of colour and he tried very hard to avoid out gazes. Not likely, Mssr Moonpie. Becky went up to the microphone and said;

"Hello everyone. Remus and I will be singing a new song that we both co-wrote named 'impossible'. We hope you enjoy it."

Oh god I'm so nervous. What if he gets scared and mucks up? Oh looooord above.

Becky picked up her acoustic guitar from behind her and her and Remus both sat down on separate stools. There was a small pause and then Becky began playing and Remus opened his mouth and started singing, and I fell in love with him all over again.

"I remember years ago,

Someone told me I should take

Caution when it comes to love

I did, I did

And you were strong and I was not  
My illusion, my mistake  
I was careless, I forgot  
I did

And now when all is done  
There is nothing to say  
You have gone and so effortlessly  
You have won  
You can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now  
Shout it from the roof tops  
Write it on the sky line  
All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy  
And my heart is broken  
All my scars are open  
Tell them what I hoped would be  
Impossible, impossible  
Impossible, impossible

Falling out of love is hard  
Falling for betrayal is worst  
Broken trust and broken hearts  
I know, I know

Thinking all you need is there  
Building faith on love and words  
Empty promises will wear  
I know, I know

And now when all is gone  
There is nothing to say

And if you're done with embarrassing me  
On your own you can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now  
Shout it from the roof tops  
Write it on the sky line  
All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy  
And my heart is broken  
All my scars are open  
Tell them what I hoped would be  
Impossible, impossible  
Impossible, impossible  
Impossible, impossible  
Impossible, impossible!  
Ooh impossible

I remember years ago  
Someone told me I should take  
Caution when it comes to love  
I did

Tell them all I know now  
Shout it from the roof tops  
Write it on the sky line  
All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy  
And my heart is broken  
All my scars are open  
Tell them what I hoped would be  
Impossible, impossible  
Impossible, impossible  
Impossible, impossible  
Impossible, impossible

I remember years ago  
Someone told me I should take  
Caution when it comes to love  
I did..."

Remus shut his mouth and gave a small smile as the judges started talking amongst themselves. Holy France! He was brilliant! His voice was deep and powerful and it gave me goosebumps.

We all clapped and cheered as he jumped down and made his way over to us. As soon as he was within arms reach, I grabbed him and hugged him so hard he couldn't move. I set him down and he laughed, looking rumpled.

"How the hell did you guys know I was singing?" He asked, giving Lily a very pointed look. She had the courtesy to blush and smile a little.

"You were fucking brilliant, mate!" James gushed and Wormtail nodded. Dean smiled at him and Remus winked back. Grr...

"So, why didn't you ever tell us you could sing?" I asked, trying to get him away from Dean I'm-So-Fucking-Clingy Matthews.

"I don't know." He answered and laughed. Just then, Becky came running over and gave Remus a slap on the back.

"We did it! I got 1st place! That puts me in 3rd overall!" She gushed. Remus grinned and hugged her. We all stood up and were about to leave, but I pulled Remus to the side as the others all walked ahead. He frowned at me as I leaned in and whispered in his ear;

"You really were amazing, Remus."

He blushed, grinned and then leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. Oh My Merlin. asdfghjkl! He winked and then ran of to catch up with the others. I saw Dean look over at us and glare. Remus ran up to him and tried to hold his hand but Dean flinched away and stormed off. Remus rolled his eyes and walked on.

I touched my cheek where he had kissed me and make myself one promise.

I would get him to be mine no matter what.

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**That took forever to write...**

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	4. Moonshoes and Twinkly eyes

**Hello!**

**!THIS CHAPTER IS IN LILY'S POINT OF VIEW!**

**REVIEW! (Yes, I'm a review whore. Get used to it XD)**

**Iloveyourfaces! :3**

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~ In the Gryffindor Common room ~

It was 9 in the morning when sat down across from Remus in the common room. He was reading the daily prohet and playing with a hair absentmindedly. He looked up and gave me a smile.

"Hello, Lily." He said, turning his eyes back to the paper.

"Good morning, Remus. Did you sleep well last night?" I asked politely, building up to what I really wanted to ask him. He read another sentence then sat the paper down beside him, turning to face me.

"Right, out with it." He said, smiling and sounding half amused and half exasperated. I try and act confused.

"Whatever do you mean Remus?" I asked, worrying about my voice giving me away. He rolled his eyes and leaned back slightly.

"Well, you come down here at," he checked his watch, "9am when I know for a fact that you never get out of bed before atleast 11 on the weekends and you just called me 'Remus'. You never call me that when we're alone. You call me Moonshoes." He grimaced at the nickname Sirius and I had christened him with in sixth year.

I frowned. Damn it! He knows me too well.

"Fine. I'm here to ask you something." I said plainly.

He rolled his eyes and gave me a look that said 'no shit sherlock' and motioned with his hand for me to ask away. I had stayed up most of the night reading hundreds girly magazines, that I would normally never even give a second glance to, and read all their articles about how to find out if a guy is "_like totally in love with someone!_" Seriously? How can people read this crap...? They kept going on about the guys eyes "brightening" and their smiles "widening" when the the name of their interest is said. I don't think any of that will happen but it's worth a shot.

"Are you truly in love with Dean?" I said. Why beat about the bush about it? I need answers here! I put my face closer to his to see if there is any eye sparking or any smile widening or anything at the mention of Dean. There doesn't seem to be...He gives a small, sad smile and looks me dead in the eye.

"I don't really know. He told me last week he loves me but we've only been going out for a month and we've only had sex onc-" He stopped dead and turned a red that put my hair to shame.

"_What?!_" I screamed. How could he! Innocent little Moonshoes- Ahem...I mean Remus! How could he do _that!_ He's only a child!

_'You do realize you and James have done it, don't you? and Remus is 17, so therefor he can legally have sex?'_ a little voice told me in the back of my head. Of fuck off brain. This is different! It's Moonsho- REMUS.

"When!?" I demand. He shifts around a little and looks down.

"Thwonutesugo..." He muttered.

Errr...English version please?

"What was that?" I asked. He threw his head up so quickly that I jumped backwards and hit my head of the table behind me. He looked upset...uh oh...

"We didn't! He did! I didn't want do! We were lying in my bed in my bed the dorm, I brought him in after dinner, and he just sort of turned to me and asked me if we could have sex. I said no, because I want my first time to be with someone I love, and I'm not really sure if I _love_ him. I know I like him, but I'm unsure about if I love him." He muttered, frowning. "And when I told him no he just sort of jumped on me and..." he trailed off in a quiet voice, looking towards the floor. Now it was my turn to be livid.

"He _raped_ you?!" I screeched and jumped up. I was shaking with anger and I was already making a plan in my head of how to brutally castrate and murder Dean in his sleep!

"What?! NO! Of course he didn't!" Remus shouted back, his face turning deathly white. Oh...my plan of castration and murder was quickly shut in a little box in the back of my mind for a rainy day.

"What do you mean then? You said you said no and he just jumped on you?" I questioned, sounding suspicious.

"He jumped on me and sort of...well he...er...he asked if he could...um..." Remus blushed and looked down. Oooooh, this will be f-u-n. I grinned wickedly and sat back down.

"He did what, Remus?" I asked sweetly. He muttered something which I didn't catch.

"Hmm?" I asked again, trying to sound curious but failing and ended up sounding giddy and excited. He looked up and me and scowled.

"He got me off with his hand. There. Happy? So it wasn't even sex. He just kept asking if we could go all the way and I was adamant that I didn't want to so he asked if he could get me off and I said yes."

I nodded soberly before I caught his eye and I burst out laughing. He smacked me on the arm but I could hear him laughing too. When I was finished almost wetting myself, I continued with the questioning.

"So...how long has he been asking for sex?" I ask him.

"Since the day we got together...it makes me think he only wants me for sex sometimes..." He said. I frown...this is getting sad. Time to bring out the big guns here.

"So, how are things with Sirius?" I ask, watching his reaction out the corner of my eye. Wooooooooah...

At the mention of Sirius's name, Remus's face seemed to brighten considerably and his eyes, did in fact, start to sparkle. Woah.

"Things are great! He seemed a little off last night, I'm not sure why." He said, frowning slightly, but still looking ecstatic. I knew he fancied Sirius! _He_ just didn't know...

"Yeah, he looked a little pale..." I said, remembering Sirius's quietness last night. Remus stood up and stretched.

"It's getting late, I should go and wake the rest of them up for breakfast." he said and then he walked up to the dorms. I smiled.

Oh, I was going to get him and Sirius together if it killed me.

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	5. Projectile Vomiting and OOOOH BURN!

_**Oh my god.**_

_**I'm so so so sorry it took me so long to update but something kind of big happened...**_

_**My biological father got in touch with me for the first time ever. After 16 years. Ermahgawd. **_

_**So sorry, I was a bit distracted...**_

_**So here you are, a very very late chapter. Enjoy! **_

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You know that feeling you get? That feeling where it feels like someone had taken your insides, ripped them out, stomped on them, stuck them back in you and then hit you on the head repeatedly with a hammer? Yeah. I feel like that. I woke up at about 9 and I knew something wasn't right. I probably should have clicked on to it when I swung my legs over the edge of my bed to go for a shower and the room suddenly tilted 180 degrees. But no, I didn't click on. Because I am Sirius Orion Black and I'm a total knob. I stood up and walked towards the showers but I only made it about 2 centimeters when I projectile vomited all over Peter's bed...

While Peter was in it...

Oops.

"_SIRIUS!_ What the fuck?!" Peter screamed and shot up as he tried, and failed, to wipe the sick off his covers. I opened my mouth to say 'sorry' but Peter screeched and jumped off the bed and in to James. I could feel myself staggering a bit so I stumbled over to my bed and collapsed down on top of it, face first.

Oh god, I feel like crap. I honestly feel like I'm doing to die. I'm too young and devilishly handsome to die!

I could hear James and Peter's conversation but it was like I was listening to it underwater. Everything sounded really heavy and slow. I don't like this at all.

"Jesus, Peter! Get out of my bed!"

"Sirius just threw up in mine!"

"Really? Oh for god sake." I heard some shuffling and I felt an hand on my shoulder.

"You okay, mate?" James asked me. I turned around very slowly, trying not to trigger the nausea again, and gave him a look that said Do-I-fucking-look-okay? James sighed and rolled me over on to my back.

"I'm going to get Moony. Pete, clean up your sheets, the smell's disgusting." And with that James left.

I could hear Peter muttering under his breath about "Stupid dogs" and how they "Shouldn't drink out of a dirty toilet and then wonder why they're ill." I felt kind of bad, because I did throw up on him...And I know if he did that to me, he would receive a swift kick in the nuts.

"Sorry, Pete." I mumbled and pulled my covers up to my neck. I was so damn cold! But the room was so warm.

Hmm...

"It's alright, Padfoot." He sighed and I heard him mutter some spell under his breath but I didn't hear, because I was already falling back asleep.

~2 Hours Later~

"...don't understand what your _problem_ is."

"Well maybe if you _listened_ to _me_ for _once_ in your damn life, you _would_!"

"Keep your voice _down_! He might wake up!"

I could hear people arguing above me. One sounded like Remus and the other sounded like Dean. Aaah...Remus has come to save me from my death bed. He has come to stop the angels from taking me from him too early, as he can't go on in life without me! Oh, Remus. I always knew it.

"Oh yeah, because it's _always_ about him isn't it!" Dean was shout whispering. I didn't want to open my eyes, because I wanted to see how this all turned out. And why the hell is Dean here anyway? Shouldn't it just be Moony crying over me while I die from this...whatever the hell this thing is that's making me feel like death on legs instead of my usual sex on legs?

"For _fuck_ sake, Dean! _Look_ at him! He's sick! He somehow managed to get the bloody flu and he needs me here to look after him." Remus whispered back.

I knew this must be a big fight because Remus cussed. Remus rarely cusses.

"I don't see why it has to be _you_ who looks after him, it's not like your his best friend or anything! He's James's. So therefor, it should be _James_ up here looking after him."

"I don't give a shit if _I'm_ not _his_ best mate, because he'll always be mine." I could hear the hurt in Remus's voice. Oooh I was going to kill Dean. Remus is my best mate. James is my brother. Very, very different things.

"Whatever, Remus." Dean scowled.

"Can I ask why the sudden bitchy attitude all of a sudden? You were lovely over the past few weeks and now you're being a bit of a dick..." Remus said.

"Are you serious?! Does it shock you that I'm not happy with you being near _him_?" Dean said, sounding like he was trying not to cry.

"You want to _shock_ me? Say something intelligent for once, that should shock me." Remus snapped.

Oooooh! BURN! Nice one, Moony! That's you told, Dean. Muahaha.

"_Remus_!"

"Oh piss off Dean. I'm sick of your jealous attitude and your paranoia. I think it's best if we just end this whole thing." Remus said. He sounded exhausted.

Oh god.

Oh good god.

Oh good god above! I must be dreaming. _Please_ tell me I'm not dreaming this!

"What, you mean like..._us_?"

"Yes us. I'm sick of all this. I think it would be better if we were just friends."

I heard Dean give a small growl and then he stomped out of the room, slamming the door behind him. I heard Remus sigh.

"Well, that could have gone better." I said, opening my eyes and wincing at the brightness of the sun coming through the window. Remus laughed.

"I knew you were awake." He said, stretching his back.

"How did you know?" I asked.

"Your breathing changed." Was all he said. He looked at me and smiled. I grinned back and moved over so he could lie down too.

"I thought I was supposed to be looking after you." He said, lying down and shutting his eyes.

I smirked even though he couldn't see me.

"Doctor Sirius is always on call. Especially for those dealing with a broken heart."

Remus snorted.

"Sure, Pads. Whatever you say."

"You are my best mate you know. You and James. But James is my brother." I whispered.

"I know, Pads." He whispered back and I could hear him smiling.

I smiled and shut my eyes, trying to get back to sleep when I felt a hand squeeze mine. I didn't open my eyes, but I squeezed back.

"Thanks." He whispered and then fell asleep.

And suddenly, I felt a whole lot better.

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_**Sorry about the crappy chapter, but I needed Remus and Dean to break up. So yeah**_

_**Please review! (Reviewwhore) xD**_

_**P.s- The insult Remus used on Dean was one I used on my mates girlfriend. Muahaha.**_

_**~Bottled Chaos~**_


	6. Natural state of Padfoot's and punching

**Hello my lovelies!**

**I hope you enjoy this chapter!**

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"Well, isn't this _fascinating_ Lily?"

"Oh yes, James. _Very_ fascinating. How amazing it truly is, to see a wild Padfoot in its natural state. I hear they're very rare, very annoying creatures."

"Oh yes, yes they are. And as for Moonys, don't get me started! They can be such loving, caring creatures but they turn very vicious when one tries to steal their chocolate or their Padfoot."

I groan as I hear Lily giggle. Ugh. It's too early for all this malarkey and general annoyingness. I crack open one eye and almost die at the sight before me. Remus is lying on his side, one arm under his head, bent at the elbow acting as a pillow, the other slung across my chest. One of his legs is bent at the knee, and touching my hip while the other is stretched out. His eyes are, obviously, closed and his breathing is deep and slow.

Christ almighty, he is beautiful. I'm about to lean over and get a closer look at his sleeping face when James coughed pointedly from above me. Dick. Lily's standing next to him, staring at us like we're the cutest damn thing she's ever seen. This is probably correct, as we are cute as hell. Well, Remus is. I'm handsome. Devilishly so.

"Come on horn dog, wake up your wolf and get ready. We're going in to Hogsmeade in an hour."

"And this is the perfect time to initiate Step One." Lily chirped, grinning like an idiot. Oh god... I really need to start my ultimate death plan for her...She's becoming a nuisance.

"Fine." I said, reluctantly removing Remus's arm from my chest and shaking him a little. He muttered a little and snuggled closer to me.

All together now; Awwww!

"Aww!" Lily gushed, punching James lightly in the arm as he pretended to gag. I smirked when Remus opened his eyes and quickly yanked his arm back. He blushed and muttered a quick "Sorry." before standing up and stretching, defining his back muscles.

Asdfghjkl!

"Sirius, you're drooling." James said.

I threw my pillow at him.

~2 Hours later, In Hogsmeade~

"Sirius, are you sure you don't want to go back and get your gloves?" Lily asked for the ten billionth time in the past 2 minutes. (I kid you not) I just roll my eyes, shake my head and pushed my hands, which now were probably just giant blocks of ice, deeper into my pockets. To tell you the truth, I was freezing. And I really did want some gloves, but I didn't want to leave Remus's side.

Lily, me and Remus were all sitting on a bench outside the Three Broomsticks amongst the snow. James was inside, talking to Slughorn who had cornered him and demanded to know why he wasn't at the last Slug Club dinner. Remus and Lily had managed to escape his stupid, mustache-y face by hiding behind me as I shuffled past. James wasn't too pleased.

Good.

"Come here Padfoot." Remus said. I stood up shuffled over to him. He reached out and pulled me next to him, but kept him hands entwined with mine. I frowned and looked up, but he merely winked.

"Er...I'm going to go help James out. You coming Peter?" Lily asked. Peter nodded and they both left.

"Oh look, homos in the flesh."

Oh, smashing. Yaxley.

Some people really just shouldn't procreate because they may end up with a spawn like Yaxley.

Yaxley smiled and came closer.

"So, Lupin. When did you finally decide to become a poof?" Yaxley hissed. Remus sighed and tilted his head.

"Well, Yaxley, for one; people don't _decide_ to become homosexual. They are born the way they're born. And two; I am not, in fact a homosexual." He said, with forced politeness. Yaxley laughed.

"Yet you're holding hands with this blood traitor and, not to mention, faggot? Disgusting." He spat. I was about to retort when Remus shot up, grabbed Yaxley by the collar and pushed him against the wall beside us. Yaxley looked terrified. And I didn't blame him. Remus looked mega pissed.

"What did you just call him?" He hissed between his teeth. Yaxley tried, and failed, to look tough.

"I called him a blood traitor and a _faggot_." Yaxley spat back. I knew what was going to happen before it did. Remus smiled a sickly sweet smile and drew his arm back.

**Smack!**

Remus drew his arm back again.

**Smack!**

Yaxley fell to the ground, holding his broken, bloody nose in one hand and his rapidly swelling eye in the other. Remus growled, picked him up and pushed him away.

"Now fuck off before I do something I'll really regret." He snarled. Yaxley staggered away, looking scared.

"You're crazy, Lupin! A total psycho!" He stammered.

"Do us all a favor Yaxley, go take a flying leap of faith of a fucking balcony." Remus smirked.

Oooooh! BURN! again! When did Remus get so damn witty?

I heard a booming laugh from behind me and turned around to see James and peter doubled over laughing while Lily tried, and failed, to look reproachful.

"Oh my Merlin, Remus! That was brilliant!" James laughed. Remus smiled a little and looked at me.

"You okay?" He asked. I nodded dumbly. He smiled and grabbed my hand again.

"Well, let's go. I need some chocolate." I nodded again, not trusting my voice.

Soon, after James and Peter had calmed down and I had found my voice again, we were all walking back to the school. James, Lily and Peter up front and me and Remus trailing behind.

I decided now was a good enough time to start step 1.

"Remus, you're a really good fighter." I said. He turned and laughed at me.

"Thanks. My dad taught me how to throw a punch." He said. I nodded.

"And you're pretty hot when you're angry..." I murmured. He stopped walking and stared at me.

"What?" He asked. I blushed.

"You're pretty hot when you're angry." I repeated, feeling like a knob. He laughed again, but I could tell he was worried about my sanity.

An alarming number of people are.

"Thanks, Padfoot." We started walking again when I thought of another load of compliment.

"Your hair's really nice too."

"...Thanks?"

"And your eyes. They're really pretty."

"Pads?"

"Yes?"

"Please stop."

"Okay..."

Step One (Complimenting)- Works to an extent.

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_**I have exams over the next few weeks so I'll try and upload as fast as I can. **_

_**Review please!**_

_**~Bottled Chaos~**_


	7. Skid Marks of Society

_** Hello my loves.**_

_**So...I was diagnosed with Anxiety and Severe Depression today...Yup. -.- So the updates may be a little slower. Trying to cope and what not..**_

_**Hope you enjoy anyway;**_

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~In The Great Hall~

"I still don't understand why he's so mad...Sure, you dumped him, but that's no reason to call you a-" James muttered.

"He was jealous. Jealousy makes people do and say things they normally wouldn't say." Remus rationalized, twirling his wand between his fingers.

"Still he didn't need to call you a cu-" James said.

"Please don't repeat it! I hate that word." He shuddered. I laughed. Dean had come up to Remus, shouting and swearing about how much he hated him and wished the most painful death upon him. We all just laughed. Then he called Remus a...well...

He called him a cunt.

Safe to say, we all went nuts. Well, James, Lily and I went nuts. Remus and Peter just watched looking mildly amused. James managed to grab Dean once he had tried to run, but Lily was the one who went I-N-S-A-N-E. She grabbed his hair and punched him in the nuts. Even though we all hate him, ever male that was present winced and felt a little sorry for him.

Just a little.

Now we're all sat in the grate hall. It's breakfast and the owls should be arrivin-

Oh! There they are.

We all look up as a swam fly over the Gryffindor table, dropping letters, boxes and newspapers all over the place. Is that the Black family owl?

Oh crap.

A Howler.

I groan and put my head in my hands as Remus and James give me a sympathetic look and give me little pats on the back (James) and the arm (Remus).

It lands with a thud and the whole hall looks over to see what the latest drama in the Most Noble and Ancient house of Black.

Most Backwards and Ignorant house of Fucktards more like.

Heh...

I was about to share my thoughts when the Letter exploded and my mothers screeching voice rings through the hall.

_SIRIUS ORION BLACK! WE HEAR FROM YOUR LOVELY COUSIN BELLATRIX THAT YOU ARE STILL TALKING TO THOSE DISGUSTING GRYFFINDOR "FRIENDS" OF YOURS! WE HAVE HAD ENOUGH! YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO THE MOST NOBLE AND ANCIENT HOUSE OF BLACK! THOSE HORRID BLOOD TRAITORS POTTER AND PETTIGREW! AND THAT HALF BLOOD LUPIN! I EVEN HEAR YOU ARE ASSOCIATING WITH A MUDBLOOD NOW? YOU CONTINUE TO DISGRACE US. YOU ARE NO CHILD OF MINE!_

The letter burst into flames and the ashes landed in a neat pile before my plate. I rolled my eyes, but I could feel the lump in my throat. As much as I hate her, my mothers words still hurt. I hear a few gasps and I look up and see another owl, Remus's this time, carrying a howler towards me. I look at Remus and frown but he just winks in return -asdfghjkl-

The letter explodes and Remus and James's voices both echo in the hall.

_SIRIUS ONION HEAD BLACK! WE HEAR FROM YOUR BAT CRAP CRAZY COUSIN BELLATRIX, THAT YOU'RE STILL TALKING TO THOSE DEVILISHLY HANDSOME FRIENDS OF YOURS! WE HAVE HAD ENOUGH! YOU ARE FAR TOO UGLY TO HANG AROUND WITH SUCH SEXUAL BEINGS! THAT MESSY HAIRED STALLION JAMES POTTER! AND THAT LITTLE CUDDLY BEAR PETER PETTIGREW! AND THAT WOLFISH ROUGE REMUS LUPIN! I HEAR YOU ARE ALSO TALKING TO THAT BEAUTIFUL, RED-HAIRED SHE DEVIL LILY EVANS?! HOW COULD YOU! YOU STILL CONTINUE TO DISGRACE US! YOU ARE NO CHILD OF MINE! YOU ARE A SKID MARK ON THE UNDERPANTS OF SOCIETY! _

The letter exploded into pieces as the great hall burst into laughter. Me included. I grabbed Remus and James around the shoulders and hugged them hard enough to bruise. Oh god I love my friends. That was hilarious!

We all about recover and I turn to Remus and James.

"You two are absolutely brilliant." I say. They both nod, giving me a No-Shit-Sherlock look. I see something red moving out the corner of my eye and turn around to see Lily mouthing "STEPS TWO AND THREE!" at me, while frantically waving her arms.

She needs to refrain from that...

Now.

But she has a point, this does seem like a good time to start. Here goes nothing! I turn back to Remus and wink at him. He seems a little taken back but he smirks and winks back anyway. I smirk back and lick my lips.

This feels rather perverted...

I love it.

Remus snorted a little and turned away. You won't get away with it that easy Mssr Moonshoes!

"Come on guys." James says. We all stand up and begin shuffling out of the great hall towards the common room. We have a study period right now. James is up front with Lily and Peter and me and Remus are, as always, at the back. Come on step two, don't fail me now!

As we're walking I let my arm wind its way around his waist. I see him smile out the corner of my eye. Success! ...So far

We reach the common room and Lily says the password. The portrait swings forward and allows us access. We all stumble in together. Lily sits on James's knee, Peter sits on the floor and I drag Remus and force him on to my lap. Muahaha! James starts talking about something but I'm not listening. I'm too busy pulling Remus against my chest, so he's lying down with the back of his head tucked into my neck.

Christ, I can _feel _him blushing.

"What are you doing, Padfoot?" He whispered, trying not the let the others hear. But there was no harm, they were all engrossed in James's story. I grinned and put my mouth next to his ear. This should get his attention...(Step three)

"Seducing you." I whispered. I felt him tense and I try not to laugh. This is brilliant. Muahaha!

"Wh-what?" He whispered furiously. I put one of my hands on his knee and slowly move it upwards. He starts squirming, but I take no notice.

"Sirius, stop!" He hisses, one of his hands stopping mine moving any higher. Nice try, Moony. I smirk and press my lips against his neck. I feel and hear his gasp.

"Night, Moony." I whisper, kissing his neck again. I move him off my lap and walk up the stairs to the dorm, a huge grin on my face.

Steps 2&3- Pretty damn good!

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**_Ta da! _**

**_I guess._**

**_Review please? It will really cheer me up! _**

**_~Bottled Chaos~_**


	8. Cinnamon, Snow and Raspberry Shampoo

**_Hello again!_**

**_I've just found out the dates for my exams and they last from the 1st until the 8th. So I'll update again just before the 1st and then on the 8th :3 _**

**_Please Enjoy!_**

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~Potions class~

I _hate_ potions. I've never liked the class. It's so boring! Slughorn's a complete twat, who always takes points off James and I for mucking up the potions. It's not out fault! Stupid potions. But thankfully, we always manage to get more points for Gryffindor than we lose, thanks to Lily and Moony. They're brilliant at potions.

Well, they're brilliant at everything, but hey ho.

We're all currently standing around the large table in the potions classroom in front of a large pot of shiny, clear liquid. This is the perfect time to start step 4. Slughorn slams a hand on the desk, making Remus jump a little. I put my hand on his shoulder and he gives me a small smile.

Ngggggh!

"Right, boys and girls. Today we're going to be looking at a very tricky and very complicated potion." He says, his mustache wobbling dangerously around his upper lip, "It's a very temperamental potion. Does anyone know what it is?"

Everyone, including myself, looks around to see if anyone else knows the answer, but apparently we're all just as clueless as each other. Even Lily looks slightly confused. If Snape was here, he would know. But unfortunately he's in the hospital wing.

Totally not my fault.

...Hehe

"It's Amortentia." Remus said under his voice. He's always been shy at giving answers out in class. Slughorn looked at him and smiled wider.

"What was that m'boy?" He asked.

"Amortentia. The most powerful love potion in the world..." Remus said, louder this time. He was looking at the potion like he was trying to work it out. Slughorn gave a laugh.

"Excellent as usual, Mr Lupin. Can you tell us all a bit about Amortentia and how you knew what it was?" Remus smiled a little and took a step closer to the table, making my hand fall from his shoulder.

"Amortentia is the most powerful love potion ever created. It's rumored to smell differently to everyone according to what attracts them. I recognized it because of the colour and the steam rising in odd spirals." He said.

Slughorn looked like Christmas had come early.

"Excellent, m'boy! Excellent! And what, may I ask, do you smell?" He lifted the lid of the potion and wafted the fumes in Remus's direction. Remus blinked a few times before he spoke.

"I smell; cinnamon...and fresh snow and.." He turned a very bashful shade of pink and stepped away from the potion, not finishing his sentence.

"And what else, son?" Slughorn pressed on. Remus looked rather afraid before he timidly answered;

"Raspberry shampoo"

Some people make noises of confusion, others laughed. James, Peter and Lily all whispered;

"Awwww!"

Remus scowled at them but his blush made it less threatening. He raspberry shampoo? That's weir- HEY!

I'm use raspberry shampoo! That explains why they all went 'Awww!'

Awww! Remus likes the smell of me! Well, my hair.

"Ah ha. Well done, Mr Lupin. Take 20 points for Gryffindor." Slughorn beamed. Remus took a step back until he was next to me again. I leaned down and whispered in his ear while Slughorn droned on in the background.

"So, you like the smell of my shampoo, Moonshoes?" He blushed and rolled his eyes.

"Shut up, Padfoot." He said, but smiled all the same. I grinned back.

Commencing step four.

While Slughorn went on about the history of love potions, I slipped my hand around Remus's waist. He tensed for a second but relaxed into my touch. Good sign! I wait a few seconds before letting my hand slip lower until it's holding his right hip. I can see him frowning, but fighting a smile at the same time.

"Now, go to your seats and read pages one hundred to one hundred and twenty." Slughorn said. We all went to our separate tables, James and Lily to one, me and Remus to the other. As soon as we sat down I put my hand of the small of Remus's back. He looked up at me and frowned.

"What are you doing?" He questioned. I shrugged and opened my book with the hand I wasn't using. When he had relaxed a little more, I started making little circles with my thumb on one of the bumps of his spine. He was almost purring.

D'awwww!

Time to turn things up a notch. I moved my hand to his hip again and continued drawing little circles with my thumb again. I can tell he's trying not to show he likes it, but his eyes have been on the same page for the past ten minutes. Hehe...

Then, without warning, I roughly pulled him towards me and slid my hand to rest on his inner thigh. He let out a little squeak but covered it up with a cough. Slughorn didn't look up from his potion he was stirring. I grinned.

"What the hell are you doing, Sirius?" He asked.

"Just go with it!" I whispered, chuckling. He smirks back and rolls his eyes, but he's blushing like a little girl. Now for the big guns to come out. I quickly slip my hand upwards and my middle finger almost touched his groin.

He jumped about 5ft in the air.

"Mr Black, please keep your hands to yourself!" Slughorn boomed.

"Sorry, Sir. It's just that Remus is so damn touchable!" I say, grinning at the latter, who gives me a smirk back. He's got a glint in his eye. That's never good.

"Enough, Mr Black." Slughorn says. I nod and look back at my book. I was just a page in when I felt a hand on my knee.

"Remus?!"

He gives me a smirk and whispers;

"Two can play at that game."

I smirk at him but it quickly turns into a look of shock when his hand starts moving slowly upwards.

Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. Oh lordy lord! Don't stop!

He's just about to reach the point of no return when the bell goes for lunch and he removes his hand completely.

"Ah well. Maybe next time, I'll get to my proper destination." He says, before walking out of the room.

Step Four (Touching)- WENT _AMAZING_. MUST DO _EVERY_ SINGLE DAY OF LIFE.

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**_Review please!_**

**_Much love as always,_**

**_~Bottled Chaos_**


	9. Missing Moony's and Serious talks

_**Hello! So...yeah. **_

_**The next update won't be for a little while as I have exams this Friday until the 8th :c KILL MEH. So, without further ado, here is chapter nine;**_

_**ENJOY!**_

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_~In the Great Hall~_

"Sirius, I'm sure he's fine." James tried, once again, to reassure me but I wasn't listening. We were all sitting in the great hall for dinner. Well, all of us apart from Remus. While James, Peter and I had Care of Magical Creatures, he had Arithmancy. We would all usually meet in the hall for lunch but today Remus wasn't here and I was beyond nervous. Normally I wouldn't be nervous because Remus sometimes stays behind in class to finish work or help the teacher out but since the whole Yaxley incident, I've been more and more nervous about him being alone. Not that I would ever admit it out loud, but Yaxley could be one scary mother fucker. And Remus had royally pissed him off when he had beaten him up.

"But what if he isn't?! What if Yaxley's got to him?" I asked him, wringing my hands together for the fifth time that minute. James sighed, put down his fork and turned to face me.

"Sirius. Remus will be fine." He said forcefully. I frowned and looked him in the eyes.

"If it were Lily that was missing, wouldn't you be nervous?" I asked him, still frowning. He bit his lip for a second before standing up and pulling me with him. I frowned as he pulled me through the double doors, exiting the hall.

"Where are we going?" I asked frantically as he pulled me along a number of corridors. He turned and gave me a look.

"If it were Lily that were missing I would want you to help me find her. So I'm going to help you find Remus." He said plainly. I grinned at him and then we were off down another corridor.

James stopped walking suddenly and slapped himself of the forehead. I frowned.

"Er, what?" I asked as he looked slightly sheepish. He smiled a little and pulled the Marauders Map out of his back pocket.

"I forgot I had this." He explained. I rolled my eyes as he muttered "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."

We both scanned the map quickly, looking for the little dot that would show us where Remus is.

"There!" Prongs exclaimed quickly, jabbing his finger into the center of the map. I frowned, it said Remus was in the corridor next to this one.

"Let's go then." I said, and we set off again. Once we reached the next corridor, we put the map away with a quickl muttered "Mischief managed."

I frowned as I looked down the corridor. There were no classroom doors anywhere, just a broom closet.

Oh god.

Please no.

With a lump the size of a quaffle in my throat, I leaned over and grasped the handle of the closet and yanked it open.

"_HOLY FUCK!__" _We both screamed at the same time.

Remus was indeed in the closet (oh, the irony) but his eyes were closed and his hands were bound behind his back with a Slytherin tie. His lips were cut and his eye was bruised. He looked like someone had tried to kill him.

"Oh my god..." James whispered.

"If I see Yaxley I'm going to kill him." I growled, my voice wobbling.

We both reached out and gently shook Remus. He was freezing! Oh god, this is bad.

"Remus, are you awake?" James asked. Remus made no movement. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.

Please don't be dead, Moony! You're too sexy and amazing to be dead!

"Come on, we need to take him to the Hospital wing. I nodded dumbly, blinking furiously trying not to cry.

I lifted Remus's limp body up in my arms, bridal style, and we set off to the hospital wing.

_~In the Hospital Wing~_

"You're sure it was a Slytherin pupil who did this?"

"Yeah. His hands were tied with a Slytherin tie."

"My Lord...Do you have any idea who it could be?"

"Yaxley. I'm sure of it."

"Okay, thank you Mr Black."

I nodded and turned my face back to look at Remus's pale one. Madam Pomfrey had managed to remove the cuts on is lips and the bruised eye, so he looked a lot better. I sighed and put my hand on top of his, lacing our fingers together. James had left an hour ago to tell Lily and Peter what happened.

"You gave me one hell of a scare, Moony." I said to his unresponsive form. God, I love him. He's so perfect...

That's it. I don't care if he can't hear me. I'm telling him how I feel. Step five? Come at me.

"Remus John Lupin, even though you can't hear me I need to tell you something that has been on my mind for two years," I took a deep breath, "I'm in love with you."

"I'm so in love with you that it hurts me to even look at you. You're just so...you. Your hair, your eyes, your smile, your voice, your laugh, your arse -OhMyMerlin,YourArse- your everything makes me want you. I need you in my life, Remus. More than a friend. God, so much more than a friend! Have you not even noticed that I've been trying to seduce you for the past two months? Of course you didn't. You're so oblivious to how amazing you are, and for some weird reason, it makes me want you even more!"

Oh for fuck sake, I'm crying!

"L-look at what you've d-done to me, Remus! I've turned into a t-total ponce!" I choked on a sob as I tried to take a deep breath.

"You were always a ponce. You do know I'm awake don't you?"

Oh fuuuuuuuuck!

I cringed and looked up, blinking through my tears, and indeed Remus's golden eyes were open and -to my shock- rimmed with tears.

"I think it's time we had a little talk, don't you Padfoot?"

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**_DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUN!_**

**_Cliffhanger. I'm so evil, muahahaha!_**

**_Until next time my dears._**

**_PLEASE REVIEW! c:_**

**_Much love as always._**

**_~Bottled Chaos~_**


	10. Questions and Laps full of Lupin

_**Awww, guys. You make me blush *^_^***_

_**I just sat my maths exam. What kind of Elvish was that?! Seriously!**_

_**Your reviews were SO nice and lovely and aww. So here you go!**_

_**The next chapter c:**_

* * *

"I think it's time we had a little talk, don't you Padfoot?"

I groaned and dropped my head into my hands. This is beyond embarrassing! It's worse than the time that I was running through the corridor to catch up with James and Remus, tripped over my shoelace, fell face first on to the floor and my jeans fell down in the process.

In front of everyone.

E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E.

But anyway! Where was I? Oh yes, dying of embarrassment.

"Oh god...please tell me this is all a bad dream." I moaned into my hands. I heard Remus give a little laugh and I peeked at him through my fingers.

"No, you're not dreaming Sirius." He said. I let my hands fall from my face.

"I'm sorry." I said, not really sure what I was apologizing for. He smiled and wiped a hand across his eyes, removing the tears from before.

"Don't be sorry. You've nothing to apologize for." He said. I nodded.

"So...Er...what did you want to talk about?" I asked, trying, and failing, to play it cool. He smiled.

"Well, I have a few questions for you." He said, keeping his eyes annoyingly on my face.

"Shoot." I murmured.

"How long have you...liked me for?" He asked. I frowned.

"2 Weeks... But I've loved you for nearly 3 years." I answered. His eyes went wide for a second before he composed him self and nodded professionally.

"You mentioned attempting to 'seduce me'...what exactly did you do?" He questioned. I grinned.

"Well, Lily helped me a lot. She gave me a sort of list of things I should do to get you like flirting, touching and stuff.." I admitted. Remus snorted.

"Very subtle. So, if you lik- love me so much, why didn't you just tell me?" He asked, deadpanned. I smiled sheepishly.

"I was too scared." I admitted. He gave a soft laugh.

"Why?" He asked, tilting his head like a curious puppy.

Aww!

"I thought you'd be disgusted or something." I said. His head snapped back to it's normal place and he looked at me like I was insane. Which I am but that's not of importance at the moment.

"Disgusted? Sirius, that's without a doubt the stupidest thing I've ever heard you say in your life. Of course I wouldn't be disgusted in you! Quite frankly I'm flattered," He said, "I'm just confused..."

"About what?" I asked curiously. He smiled a little sadly.

"Well for one, I'm a werewolf. Which essentially means I'm a blood-thirsty monster once a month. Secondly; I'm not exactly the kind of person I thought you would fancy. I'm not attractive, I'm a bookwork, I'm boring-" He said sadly. I cut him off before he could continue and started my own little speech;

"Remus I swear to god you need to stop doing that. You _always_ bring yourself down! For one, you're not a 'blood-thirsty monster' once a month. You're an amazing human being who had something terrible happen to them when they were a child. It's not your fault you're a werewolf, Moony. It's that fucking arsehole Greyback's fault. I swear to god if I ever meet him I'll kill him for what he did to you. And secondly, you are beautiful. I don't care how stupid that sounds because it is true. You have brilliant hair that somehow manages to look even better when you first wake up. You have stunning eyes that are such a rare colour, which just makes them even more awesome. You've got a cracking arse, see what I did there? Hehe...Anyway,"

"Thirdly, you're not, by any stretch of the imagination, boring. You're one of the most quirky, interesting people I have ever met! You have weird habits like not sitting with your back to anything but a wall, you can't have the salt and pepper touching, you lock the bathroom door exactly three times before you feel safe enough to get in the shower itself, you pick your food apart when you're eating it and you always have at least two chocolate frogs on your person. I bloody adore you Remus Lupin. You make me feel things that no one else in the world could ever make me feel. You can somehow make me feel happy and sad at the same time. You really underestimate your appeal, Remus. I love you, and I always will."

And then it happened.

You know that feeling you get where you find out that the exam you did last week that you thought you failed miserably at... but then you find out you did really well?

That feeling you get when the person you fancy compliments you or looks at you a certain way?

That feeling when you get home from a hard day at school and just curl up with the person you love?

Add all of those feelings together and you will come to what it feels like to have an emotional Remus John Lupin jump from his bed in the hospital wing and throw himself in to your lap.

"Remus?" I asked, my voice a little hoarse from my speech. He blinked up at me and I noticed the tears in his eyes.

"Remus?" I tried again. He didn't say anything, but he closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

And then he crushed his lips against mine.

* * *

**_ANOTHER CLIFFHANGER?! I hear you all yell._**

**_Yes, yet another cliffhanger, muahaha!_**

**_Please please please please Review!_**

**_Until next time, love as always._**

**_~Bottled Chaos~_**


	11. Snogging and heaven splitting roars

_**Okay guys.**_

_**I got a total of 3 flames on the last chapter... :c**_

_**Now, I understand that cliffhangers can be annoying. I get it. But that's not really a reason to say you "hate" me and if the next chapter is another cliffhanger you'll "never read this shit story again". It's a bit hurtful...And if you want me to update quicker, just say please and I will. Don't demand that I** update,** I'm extremely happy you guys love it but come on...That's just plain rude.**_

_**ANYWAY. Here's the next chapter since a few of you asked for it early!**_

_**I do hope you enjoy and please no more flames...They hurt :c**_

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Have you ever had a dream where you're falling and you wake up just before you hit the floor? You know the feeling of pure relief and amazement you get?

That's how I feel right now.

Because I'm sitting in a moth eaten chair in the hospital wing, tired, hungry and emotionally drained. But I'm attached to Remus Lupin by the lips, which makes it all better.

Hehe...I'm kissing Remus.

...

_OH MY FUCKING WIZARD GOD I'M KISSING REMUS JOHN LUPIN. _

Despite everything I've gone through to get him, I need to be sure this wasn't just a pity kiss. I reluctantly pulled my lips away from his and whisper to him, opening my eyes;

"Are you sure?"

He blinks up at me and looks me dead in my eyes.

"Positive." He said, and that was all I needed to hear. With bruising force I crushed my lips against his and wrapped my arms around his waist. It was messy, too rough and too desperate. But my god it was absolutely perfect in ever single way. I'm in love with this man in my arms. This broken, scarred, beautiful, perfect man-

Is that?

Oh god, Remus! Is that your tongue?

Ngggggh!

His lips parted my lips and his tongue ran across my lower lip. I shivered and wrapped my tongue around his. We could have stayed like that for hours, days or even years. But Madam Pomfrey just _had_ to stick her head around the closed curtain that was covering us to see if Remus was awake yet.

"Remus, dear how are yo- Oh My Merlin!" She squeaked. We jumped apart and quickly smoothed down our hair and clothes. Remus gave an embarrassed little cough.

"Well...er...I think- um...I think I feel better now...C-can we go?" He said, looking pointedly away from her.

"Oh..Um..Yes, you both may leave." She said, her face bright red. We both nodded and almost ran from the room. Once we were outside the hospital wing, we both stopped, took one look at each other and burst into laughter.

"Oh god! I can't believe she saw us snogging!" I said once we had stopped giggling. He nodded, still grinning before he grabbed my hand in his.

I smiled down at him and wrapped my fingers around his. He smiled again and we took of for the common room.

"Moony." I said.

"Padfoot." He answered, amused.

"You kissed me."

"...Yes I did."

"Why?"

"Because I love you."

"..."

"Sirius?"

"..."

"Siiiiirius?"

"...you love me?!" I yelled. We were outside the portrait of the fat lady and she was staring at us pointedly, waiting for the password.

"Yes." He said simply. I smiled at him and grabbed his head, crushing our lips together again. He gave a yelp but before he could kiss back, I pulled away.

"Draconis Assent." I said to the Fat Lady. She nodded with a strange look in her eyes and the portrait swung open.

We climbed in, our hands still entwined. We were both looking at each other and smiling, so we didn't notice James and Lily gasping until Lily was running up to us, a wide smile on her lips.

"My plan worked!" She said, hugging us both.

"Yes it did." I said proudly, beaming. James grinned at me from across the room and I winked back, but then his face turned white as a sheet and he looked rather terrified.

"James, what's wrong?" I asked.

"I just realized," he said slowly, as if he was still processing the though, "My two best friends are now a couple..."

"...Yes?" Remus said, looking slightly worried for James' health and not for mine for once. Yay!

"But...that means...we share a room!" He shouted, looking nervous.

"Well observed, James." Remus said again. He's so witty. I really do love him.

"But...if you two start shagging or something, I'll be in the same room!" He whined, falling to the floor in a dramatic puddle. Lily and Remus burst out laughing but I was too busy picturing Remus and I...well...

Woooah.

That's hot.

"You don't think It'd be _hot_, James?" Lily asked, eyeing Remus and I up.

Crazy woman. Discussing how hot our non existent (yet) sex life is!

"Why in the name of baby Merlin would I find that _hot_?!" He spluttered, still sprawled out on the floor.

"Because...it just is," Lily explained, "It's like how guys find lesbians kissing and stuff sexy, most girls find guys kissing and stuff sexy."

"I don't find lesbians kissing hot..." I said.

Lily grinned and muttered something about a love sick puppy. Remus laughed and breathed into my ear;

"That's because your a total poof, love."

Asdfghjkl He called me love oh my Merlin!

I grinned down at him and had the sudden urge to kiss him again. So I did.

"Aww for god sake, are you two going to do that all the time?!" James whined pitifully while Lily just stared at us, rather red faced and wide eyed. Pervert.

I heard Remus give a quite little moan and that was it. We were going to the bedroom. NOW.

I pulled my lips away from his and grabbed his hand, dragging him up the stairs. James and Lily watched, James looking worried and Lily looking rather red and jittery.

Just as we reached the door to our dorm we heard James give a heaven splitting roar of;

"_IF YOU TWO GO ANYWHERE NEAR MY BED, I'LL SKIN YOU ALIVE, YOU FUCKERS!_"

We both chuckle and head in the room, ready to start our new lives together, because I'm in love with this man and nothing will ever change that.

_"I MEAN IT! DO ANYTHING ON MY BED I WILL BRUTALLY MURDER YOU BOTH IN YOUR SLEEP!_"

Ah, James. Our ever poetic friend.

_..*~The End~*.._

* * *

_**And we have come to the end**!  
_

**_I'm really proud of this story, I love how it turned out and I HOPE YOU DID TOO!_**

**_Thank you ALL for sticking with me and reviewing and faving this story, and I PROMISE to one day add a little epilogue just for you lovely people ~^_^~_**

**_Thank you all._**

**_Much, much, much love as always._**

**_~Bottled Chaos~ _**


	12. Table Polish and Eternal Love

_**Hello my lovely little cupcakes!**_

_**Well...what can I say? THANK YOU SO MUCH for all your reviews and favs and yay!**_

_**So here you go, as I promised, a little epilogue! Enjoy you, beautiful people.**_

* * *

~3 Years Later~

_"Are you sure?" He asked me for the hundredth time that night (I kid you not). We had the dorm to ourselves, as James and Peter had gone to watch the Ravenclaw vs Slytherin game, and were lying in Remus' bed. The past 6 months had been the best months of my whole damn life. Remus and I had shared thoughts, memories, hugged, kissed, smiled, laughed and cried together and I was the happiest I've ever been. The only thing we hadn't done yet was...well._

_The full monty._

_Now, I know what you're thinking. 'Sirius! how have you lasted so long without jumping Remus and having your wicked way with him?!' Well let me tell you little person in my head, it has been HARD._

_Literally._

_Hehe...Ahem. But yes, it has been hard to keep my...urges under control but with Remus...it feels different. I know guys are supposed to be these sex crazed animals...but when I think about doing it with Remus, I just want it to be special and mean something. I don't want it to be just...sex. And tonight we decided we were going to do it. _

_...holymotheroffuck. _

_I smiled and sighed, rubbing my thumb against Remus' jaw bone. He smiled shyly, leaning into the touch. _

_"I've never been more sure of anything in my entire life, Remus." I said, touching my forehead to his. He smiled and pressed his lips to the corner of my lips, placing both of his hands on my naked chest._

_"I love you." He whispered as his hands continued traveling south. My heart was beating 100mph and I was physically shaking. But I was okay, because this is Remus lying next to me in this bed._

_And I love him with every fiber of my being._

I smile at the memory of that night. We were both so nervous, but in the long run, it was a brilliant night.

"Sirius, what are you smiling at? We need to sort this all out!" Lily shouted at me, snapping me out of my day dream. She threw a cloth at me and pointed at the table I was _supposed_ to be polishing. Supposed to be. I scowl at her from across the kitchen we are standing in. She and James had just bought a little country house outside Edinburgh and James, Peter, Remus, the she devil (Lily) and I were cleaning it up to make it more livable. Lily gives me a pointed look, clearly telling me to clean or lose my balls. I roll my eyes and start cleaning. Then something hit me. (Metaphorically. Lily didn't chuck anything at my head. This time.)

"Lily...Can I tell you something?" I say, trying to sound normal. It's only her and I in the kitchen, the rest are upstairs

"Hmm?" She says, paying more attention to the box of cleaning supplies in her hands than me.

"I'm going to ask Remus to marry me." I say quickly. There was a beat of silence then-

**Smash!**

"WHAT?!" She screeched, the box falling from her hands. I smile at her and pull out the little ring I bought two weeks ago. It's nothing too flashy, I knew Remus wouldn't like that. It's a simple gold band with a crescent moon and a star engraved on the outside. Lily stared at me like I was crazy before she did the last thing I thought she would ever do in this situation.

She started crying.

"Lily?!" I asked, terrified for her general mental health. She merely gave a sob and grabbed my arms, pulling me into a giant hug.

Sweet Jesus, this girl is strong! Losing...ability...to...breath...!

"L-Lily!?" I squeak, wriggling around. She gave a little watery laugh and let me go.

"I'm so proud of you, Sirius." She said, grinning like a maniac. This girl is nuts. Seriously.

"Why?" I asked, putting the ring back in my pocket. She sighed and shook her head.

"You wouldn't understand. So, when and where are you going to pop the question?" She asked, smiling and wiping her eyes.

"I was thinking tonight. Here, if that would be okay?" I asked. She nodded solemnly, still grinning. We heard thumping coming down the stairs and then Peters head popped in the doorway. He jumped when he saw us looking at him.

"Oh! Er...hey guys!" He said, turning red. I narrowed my eyes.

"James sent you down here to make sure that Lily and I weren't snogging, didn't he?" I said, loud enough for James to hear upstairs.

"Er...well...yeah." Peter said, looking slightly awkward, "He told me to tell you that if you snog Lily, he's going to snog Remus."

Lily and I burst out laughing as we heard Remus' voice yelling from upstairs;

"JAMES POTTER GET YOUR MOUTH THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!"

~That Evening~

I stood in front of the full length mirror in James and Lily's bed, praying to God that Remus will say yes. I scratched the collar of the t-shirt I was wearing, frowning to myself. I had no idea what I was going to say when I asked him.

Fuck.

I sigh and look at myself in the mirror and try to practice my speech.

"Okay...let's try this again. Remus John Lupin, you are the light of my life and without you I would be a big hole of black...blackness...that's made of black stuff and is blacker that a black thing on black pills...? Wow. That was shit. Uhm...Remus, my eternal love! I have always loved you and will continue to love you for forever and ever. Oh god no. That's just awful. Uhm..." I sighed and rubbed one of my hands down my face in frustration.

"God almighty! Why does this have to be so damn hard! Damn you Remus John Lupin and your beautiful face! Why? WHY did you have to be the walking embodiment of perfection? Why couldn't you have been an ugly, smelly troll? No! You just HAD to be the most perfect person I've ever met and you just HAD to make me fall in love with you and make me want to spend the rest of my life with you! God, Remus. I love you so damn much and I want to marry you so much it hurts but I can't think of the right way to say it because every time I think about you I get these pains in my chest and these butterflies in my tummy and I just KNOW it's your fault, you lovable, sexy, charming bastard. Please marry me? Please for the love of all that is holy!" I pause and chock on the sob that's rising in my throat, "I'm crying. Jesus, Remus you've turned me into a complete poof! Again! And now I'm standing shouting at you even though you're not here, you're downstairs where I should be too, asking you to marry me but I'm too fucking nervous and scared and stupid and- ARGH! I can't do this!" I groaned, kicking the corner of the mirror out of pure frustration. When I kicked the mirror, it moved to the left slightly, showing a figure standing in the doorway.

Remus.

Oh. Holy. Shit.

"R-Remus?" I ask, horrified that he may have heard my embarrassing deceleration of marriage and love.

Remus was standing in the doorway, one hand on the door handle and the other on his chest. He was clearly crying and his eyes were as big as saucers. He made a small squeaking sound before throwing himself at me, hugging me tight.

"Remus?" I asked again, hugging him back just as hard. He made a small sound before pulling back and looking me dead in the eye.

"Yes." He said fiercely. I frown down at him.

"What?" I asked, stupidly. He smiled and wiped a hand across his face, removing his tears.

"Yes, I'll marry you."

"..."

"Sirius?"

"..."

"Siiiiirius?"

"HOLY FUCK, YOU WILL?!" I screamed, shaking him slightly. He burst out laughing but nodded all the same. I laughed along with him, lost in the happiness of the moment. I grabbed his face and crashed out lips together, kissing him with more force than ever before.

"Remus? Sirius?" A small voice said from outside the door. We broke apart and looked up to see James, Peter and Lily standing in the doorway, all looking excited.

"He said yes." I said, still in awe, before I pressed our lips together again, hearing the others cheers and yells in the background.

My life is complete now. I have my best friend and soon-to-be mother of his child, my friend Peter and my amazing boyfriend...well, fiancé now!

I couldn't be happier than I am right now.

* * *

_**Ta da! **_

_**And that is the ACTUAL end. *sobs* I'm so happy with how this turned out and I hope you are too!**_

_**Please, please, please Review!**_

_**Thanks again and I love your faces!**_

_**~Bottled Chaos~**_


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